From: Jhart@reality.com Date: Sun, 09 Oct 94 21:06:05 PDT To: talk-darbs@reality.com The following is from a Blacker House drivel-group I read (and very occasionally reply to): Enjoy. From: "David M. Hull" Subject: Electoral Koans (long) To: geeks@alumni.caltech.edu Reply-to: dmh@tss.com The koan is a venerable means of Zen instruction, wherein the teacher presents the student with an inscrutable saying or story, the student ponders for a while and gives up, and the teacher provides a commentary which doesn't always help. If the student is Nate, the teacher may then whack the student upside the head with a big stick. Enlightenment is optional. Some fine examples can be found in the latest California Ballot Pamphlet. I will accept no campaign contributions from special interests. -- Michael Huffington, Republican, Senator Commentary: "I will cast no votes for politicians." -- Zen master Alfred E. Neumann. I believe we all need to pay an equal amount of taxes and we have a right to expect an equal amount of services and total accountability from elected servants. -- Jerome (Jerry) McCready, American Independent, Governor Commentary: "All taxes are equal, but some are more equal than others." -- Zen master George Orwell. As a retired Naval Reserve Commander and a Vietnam veteran, I know how government works. -- Richard Rider, Libertarian, Governor Commentary: "As a crash test dummy, I know how cars work." -- Zen master Stimpy The libertarian party calls for abolishing the office of Lt. Governor, an official who waits around for the Governor to die. -- Bob New, Libertarian, Lt. Governor Commentary: Only by abolishing the Lt. Governer inside us can we achieve true Lt. Governership. I'll cut red tape and move aggressively to keep and attract business here, as I did recently with Taco Bell. -- Gray Davis, Democratic, Lt. Governor Commentary: Long ago (in the political memory of the nation), an unemployed machinist chanced to see a "Help Wanted" sign at Burger King, and, having little choice, took a job there. Six months later, the machinist watched through a haze of grease particles as the Vice President declared the recession over. The machinist gained enlightenment. I'm not a career politician, but as Acting Secretary of State and an original member of the Fair Political practices commission, I am the most qualified person for this job. -- Tony Miller, Democratic, Secretary of State Commentary: "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." -- Zen master Robert Young. The office of Secratary of State should serve as a *tribune/trustee* for the people, not as a dynastic sinecure for bureaucrats or pit stop for politicians! -- Israel Feuer, Peace and Freedom, Secratary of State Commentary: Biddy Buddha bought some butter for her batter. But Biddy Buddha's butter made Biddy's batter bitter. Betty Buddha brought some better butter. Betty's butter made Biddy Buddha's bitter batter better. I promise you, the Voter: to use my skills and knowledge (as an instructor in grammar, a published author, and a writer of manuals for parents to teach grammar, creative writing, and the U.S. Constitution to children) to give you clear, precise, understandable instructions and informational election material (I Cor. 10:31); [remaining 3 clauses of sentence deleted] -- Dorothy Kreiss Robbins, American Independent, Secratary of State Commentary: "Whatever you eat, whatever you drink, whatever you do at all, do it for the glory of God." I Cor. 10:31, JB. I'm a successful businesswoman, not a politician. -- Kathleen Connell, Democratic, Controller Commentary: Shatner: DeForrest, you've got to help him! Kelly: Dammit Bill, I'm an actor, not a doctor! I am pro-life, pro-gun, pro-death penalty, pro-restitution, pro-quality education, and anti-unfunded mandates. -- Nathan E. Johnson, American Independent, Controller Commentary: A student once asked, "Master, how many anti-unfunded mandates must I be in order to achieve enlightenment?" The master whacked the student upside the head with a bible opened to I Cor. 10:31. No one achieved enlightenment that day. We need someone with proven business and financial skills to be Treasurer --- not just another politician. -- Phil Angelides, Democratic, Treasurer Commentary: Student: Is there buddha-nature in a Cretan saying "All Cretans are liars? Master: Yes. Student: Is there buddha-nature in Nixon saying "I am not a crook?" Master: Yes, even there, there is buddha-nature. Student: Is there buddha-nature in the modern Democratic party? Master: You must excuse me. I just remembered I have an important meeting with the Dalai Lama. Student: But the Dalai Lama is thousands of miles away. At that moment, the student was enlightened. When more can be accomplished at lower cost, budget trimming gets much easier. -- Jon Petersen, Libertarian, Treasurer Commentary: "If you don't have a catcher, you're liable to have a lot of passed balls." -- Zen master Yogi. Membership in Califiornia Association Licensed Investigators; Armenian-American Action Committee, Save the Animals Fund, Newspaper Guild Local 69 (AFL-CIO), COYOTE, NRA, and other civic organizations. -- Jan B. Tucker, Peace and Freedom, Treasurer Commentary: There is more buddha-nature in this one list than in both major parties put together. I have fought crime on the front-lines, put criminals behind bars, and have written some of the toughest, smartest laws in Califiornia. -- Tom Umberg, Democratic, Attorney General Commentary: A certain politician was elected Attorney General. Before long, well-organized gangs of tough, smart laws were wandering the halls of the state Capitol, spreading terror wherever they went. Even the Attorney General was accosted by the laws and whacked repeatedly upside the head with a large stick. Unfortunately, the Attorney General failed to achieve enlightenment. Society didn't fail criminals, criminals failed society. -- Dan Lungren, Republican, Attorney General Commentary: If this person didn't fail society, he couldn't have gotten better than a 'D'. We must come together to build a new society based on cooperation and caring. Then we won't need parasites like the insurance companies. -- Tom Condit, Peace and Freedom, Insurance Commissioner Commentary: Apparently, there is no buddha-nature in an insurance company. Therefore, as a lifelong rebel, I can and will do the job the way it should be done; take no prisoners, no excuses and no capitulation . . . I'm a criminologist, subliminologist and human behavior student. -- A. Jacques, American Independent, Insurance Commissioner Commentary: Dammit, Jim, I'm a criminologist, subliminologist and human behavior student . . . Voters have no right to decide the prices charged by private companies, including auto insurers. Ted Brown, Libertarian, Insurance Commissioner Commentary: A student asked "Is there more buddha-nature in an individual or in a group of individuals?" The teacher whacked the student upside the head with a book entitled "Why I am not a Libertarian." The student was not enlightened, but it was a pretty good read. For example, if a recall for a state official was consolidated with the primary election that state official could be recalled, while at the same time receiving their party's nomination. Similarly a state official could also be recalled and re-elected at the same time in a general election. -- Argument against proposition 183 Commentary: In which case the official would surely attain enlightenment. 815,000 California voters signed petetions to place 3 Strikes and You're Out on the ballot. We did it because soft-on-crime judges, politicians, defense lawyers and probation officers care more about violent felons than they do victims. They spend all of their time looking for loopholes to get rapists, child molesters and murderers out on probation, early parole, or off the hook altogether! -- Rebuttal to argument against proposition 184 Commentary: A student once asked "Who has more buddha-nature, a violent felon or a victim?" As the master reached for his upside-the-head stick, the student was enlightened. However, California chooses to provide (using only state funds) prenatal care to pregnant women and nursing home care to elderly or disabled persons who are illegal immigrants. The measure would eliminate these services, which would result in an annual state savings of about $100 million. -- Analysis by the legislative analyst of proposition 187 Commentary: "I do therefore humbly offer it to the public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed . . . That the remaining hundred thousand may at a year old be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom, always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table." Zen master Jonathan Swift, _A Modest Proposal_ --dmh